|
What's New?
|
SHARON – RONNIE25MY PERSONAL STORYIt has been 25 years on my recovery path, and I still cannot say I am sane most days. The road has been rocky and turbulent to say the least. My new sponsor pointed out to me that I am projecting my perception of my dad and his dry drunk of 26 years (totally unmanageable, dysfunctional and abusive – displaying all the out-of-control shortcomings of an alcoholic) on all alcoholics. I still have not heard my own story in AA meetings. I have in Al-Anon, in CODA, and in OA. My sponsor tells me that it is because I have closed my ears and my mind in AA due to my experience of my dad talking the steps, the serenity prayer, the slogans etc but not walking them. There I go again taking his inventory. Needless to say, life in his house was hell and my mother was equally ignorant of any idea of a sane, peaceful, functional way of life. That was theirs to look at, not mine. I made my amends to them (even though at the time I could not see why I had to say sorry to the people that practiced every type of abuse imaginable on me and my siblings). Unfortunately, neither of them made peace with their children or with each other. My prayers often go to them in my continuing efforts to forgive and move on. It is equally difficult to live with the fact that the relationship (or should I say non-relationship) with my siblings is distant at best with two of them and the remaining four I do not even know where they are or if they are still alive. All of them have their own form of addictions and only two of them are trying to overcome their personal problems. I count myself fortunate, as I only had to drink for four years before realizing that I had a problem. I did have five years prior to my drinking on prescription pills and do not remember much of that period of my life as this is when most of my blackouts occurred. I came into AA screaming and protesting that I do not need AA. I was in a treatment centre at the time and part of being allowed to continue was to attend meetings. I did go and spent the next seven years in relative peace by working with my sponsor, going to 12 Step studies and going to meetings. I got married (for the third time) to my drinking buddy, who had stopped drinking as well. This marriage lasted to 7 years when he went back out then subsequently died. For the next 5 years, I got involved with program on a much more serious level by doing the 12 Steps in-depth and subsequently facilitating 12 Step Studies. My life had improved and I was much happier. During this period, I got married again and we brought the worst out in each other (he was sober 15 years at that time). This period forced me to look at my own shortcomings and to heal from past abuses from others and from myself. When we split up it was very turbulent, however we have since made amends to each other and are the best of friends today. I continued to work on myself by going to my meetings; fellow-ship within the programs, using the daily tools, calling my sponsor and my life seemed to be turning around. In 1999, I met my last common-law husband and spent the next seven years with him (he died Dec 12/06, which was a very tragic event for me). During this period I allowed myself to listen to him, (he was not an alcoholic) that I did not need my meetings, my sponsor, or my program friends. This was the only excuse I needed to pull away from AA. I keep my sobriety but found myself totally alone when he died. My whole support system was gone. I had not kept up my daily readings, used the tools, or even kept up my daily prayer and meditations. I was totally bankrupt again on an emotional level. This led me into a relationship I was not ready for by allowing a man into my life who did have a problem with alcohol and an extremely dysfunctional way of life. Thank God, this only lasted for eight months when I woke up looked in the mirror and saw my dad staring me in the face. I now was the one on the dry drunk, my life totally unmanageable, my attitudes were negative, hostile, resentful, and stubborn. I prayed for the answers I needed in order to get myself out of this set of circumstances I had slipped into. Then I heard someone sharing at a meeting not too long ago about emotional sobriety and wish I had heard that one many years ago. This led me to meeting my new sponsor (who will not let me get away with anything) and starting back with the basics of the program. I am again using the tools, writing, reading program literature, going to meetings and most importantly daily contact with my sponsor. My daily prayer and conscious contact with GOD has re-entered my life and I realize that I have never been alone as HE was with me during the past year even though I closed HIM out. I realize that I have been my own worst enemy in my recovery path. I heard it 25 years ago, take the cotton out of your ears and put it in your mouth. I did not think I needed to listen to that as I always prided myself on a good student, always eager to learn and grow. Now I have accepted that I have been using my attitude about my parents to short change myself in recovery by not allowing myself to hear the messages received in AA meetings. I thank GOD for this revelation and the people HE has put in my path to bring me out of my emotional dry drunk and back to healing and growth. I thank all of you for your participation in this recovery site. Sharon a grateful recovering alcoholic/addict
|
|---|
Last update:
November 13, 2009
|
This is the Server I use and is in the top ten of the world from stats I've seen. (Mike)
|