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My Story

(And I'm Sticking to it)

How it was: Illegitimately born in the 50's to an epileptic mother who died in seizure when I was 22 (she was 48), oldest of 3 she was advised not to bear. Given up at 18 months. Reclaimed at 3. Sent away age 12. Found Dexedrine at age 15 in her drawer and thought after taking them the 1st time, "This must be love!" My addiction; escape.

From hurt, lies, abandonment, deception, promises not kept. I used any chemical combo that would get me as far off the planet as possible without killing me physically.

Alcohol worked fine (I got warned by the liquor store owner for using an under age ID,) but booze was for old folks. Drugs were hip! My whole life was around dealing. My friendships, self esteem, finances, social schedule, school life, who I married. When I quit using I had to start all over and I'm still a newbie at life on God's terms! The wreckage around me at the time; abortions, car wrecks, arrests, convulsions, drug busts, theft, jaundice, and general insanity; our idea of a good time back then, whew! My personal consequences? Severe emotional stunting, contracted Hep C (which could have been in my lab career, but I did shoot up a lot), wasted a lot of money on substances.

I am so blessed to never have been personally arrested, busted, assaulted, robbed, institutionalized or have my liver just jump out of my abdomen and beat me over the head! I want to thank all of you who suffered those results in my place. A high bottom is not a thing to waste ;). My strength: It had been rattling around in my head for a while that cleaning up would be a good thing to do; so much to lose... the house my second husband and I built 9500 ft altitude in Boulder County, custody of my only child who somehow managed to emerge with all parts, my lab career of 15 years, my sanity, my health, my dealer's freedom.... you name it. The big question however was, "How?" I got stoned just to do the wash. You know. My 1st AA meeting was December 1987, and I heard this woman sobbing over drinking half a beer. I couldn't fathom how precious what ever clean time she had was now in jeopardy. At early meetings I heard people claim they had multiple years of clean time and I immediately thought, "Sober through Christmas? Birthdays? Family stuff? NO WAY!," deciding initially everyone must be lying. I starting attending a Veteran's wives support group the following summer and it was suggested to me to go into treatment. How lucky, Harmony, Estes Park Colorado right here. And so, with my boss’ blessing, off I went for a month in-patient.

This month I will have 17 years of continuous living without my chemical crutch. Some days are more sober than others. A Big Book thumper would not especially appreciate my methods of success; no active sponsor, steps not reworked over & over (though all done thoroughly and the steps most beneficial are recalled and worked daily). No home meeting in secular conventional AA. I now get to glorify my higher power Jesus Christ in Celebrate Recovery founded by Rick Warren (author of the Purpose Driven Life) of Saddle Back Church, here. I introduce myself as, "I am Dawn and it is through GRACE I haven’t had a drink or drug today." "Hi Grace!", is sometimes the response...... chuckle.

For the newcomer looking for experience strength and hope, let me say I had a blast partying and God has been so kind to me to allow me to quit my addictions when I was ready. Not when some doctor, judge or family member was at their wit's end with my behaviors. THIS LIFE IS SO MUCH BETTER!!! Yet I struggle with being comfortable in my own skin, isolating myself and all. I've actually had a mouthful of Vodka by picking up the wrong cup and spat it back without thinking! Bennihanna served me a real Daquiri by mistake. Joints have passed right by me. A good pal stuck a cigarette in my face and I broke it in two (and that was the last time she did that.) No problem. Know why? I have a commitment to myself to stay clean, happy to do so, and really happy to have one more day to live in the glory of God & do His will and with Him, the power to carry His will out.



(Usually) Happy, joyous in HIS name and free as I can be on any given day!

Dawn Renee 

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