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I was born in San Francisco 11-11-46. I
have no recollection of living with my parents in my early childhood. They
were divorced and I was put into foster care at an early age. I have
faint memories of visiting with my mother and of seeing my older
brother, probably somewhere between the ages of four and six.
I lived with Lou and Izzy, (a Jewish man) I
don't know if they were married or not. We lived somewhere in the Bay
Area. Evidently, they separated or divorced, as we (Lou and I) moved to
Los Angeles. I believe I was about 5 years old at the time.
Lou remarried? A Japanese fella named
Art. He was a minister of some sort. I remember being heavily involved
with the Church. I played the accordion from age five through nine and
played in the church. I have only faint memories of my year’s one
through nine.
In the meantime, both my mother and
father married new spouses and started new families, having two boys and
a girl each, both sets of kids about the same ages.
When I was nine, my mother pulled me from
Lou on a Sunday morning as we were coming out of the Church. My mother
and her husband Tony brought me to So. S. F. shortly before Christmas in
1955. I remember praying that I would be returned to Lou, as I
considered her my mother. I cried a lot in my bed the first few days.
When I wasn't allowed to return to Lou, I believed that God had
abandoned me.
I started school there, in the fourth
grade and did well, until I reached the eighth grade. I started trying
to get attention by messing around in classes and acting like the class
clown. The principal caught me gambling and I started to get in fights
a lot.
My brother and I both had paper routes
and I worked in a pharmacy and variety store at about age twelve after
school. As I started to make money, I started hanging out at the
bowling alley, playing pool and bowling. I started gambling at about
twelve or thirteen. I started stealing money and merchandise from the
stores that I worked at, so that I could do the things that I wanted to
do, as I wanted more and more. I was not happy staying at home so I
took every opportunity to get out of the house. My brother learned to
call Tony, Dad, but even to this day, I still call him by Tony. I had
two younger step-brothers that got on my nerves.
My mother is Catholic, so my brother and
I attended catechism, making our communion and confirmation. We
attended church regularly by ourselves until I was about 15. After
that, I remember only going to church on Christmas and Easter Holidays.
I believe that during these times in my early youth, I believed that God
had abandoned me by taking me from my life with Lou. After a while I
either accepted it or blocked it out of my mind. I don't know which. I
do know that I have forgiven my mother and Tony for what I believed that
they did to me. My mother loved me and did what she thought was right
and what she could handle during those years.
I didn't meet my real father until I was
about fourteen. My brother took me to see him in Hayward. He was an
alcoholic and an addict. He died from a stroke at the age of 42, (from
his alcoholism) when I was 17 years old. I met my other two brothers
and sister at that time. I've seen them periodically through the
years. The two boys were also alcoholics and addicts, but I believe
that they are clean today.
School came easy for me, and without
studying, I was a B student. I was very small until I got out of
school, and was average in most sports. I guess I had a small man's
complex when I was younger, as I was got into many fights trying to
prove myself.
My brother introduced me to burglarizing
houses when I was fourteen or fifteen and I recruited seven or eight of
my friends. We robbed houses for about eight months before being
caught. I was sent to Glenwood Boys Ranch for eight months along with
one of my friends. I lifted weights and boxed and had some lessons in
the Martial Arts. When I got out, I was a senior, and started getting
in trouble in school for fighting and disruptive behavior. I was
suspended many times but still had the credits to graduate.
I started drinking with two or three
friends every once in awhile, while still in school, and I was thrown in
jail the night before grad night at a yearbook signing party. My friend
had passed out on the hood of a car, and in helping him; the cops took
us both in. The drinking got worse after I graduated, as I had a full
time job by then.
My parents gave me an ultimatum to either
abide by their rules or leave the house, as I was starting to do
whatever I wanted. I chose the latter and moved to San Francisco near
my job. My friend and I both worked at M..... Life Insurance Co. as
mail clerks. We knew most of the people in out age bracket and started
going to parties all over the Bay Area. It was nothing but drink and
party. This became our life style until I lost all my work clothes
after throwing a party in my Nob Hill apartment for about a month. I
hitchhiked to Rio Nido, a resort area, and lived there for about seven months partying
and working for my cabin and board. Life was all about drinking and
partying.
When I finally left Russian River, I went
back to So. City and started living in hotels. Most of my time was
spent drinking and partying when I wasn't at work. I worked roofing for
a while and then got a job in an office in San Francisco. I eventually
moved up to office manager with responsibility over most of the cash
flow of five corporations. Once again, the larceny took over. As the
owner was beating the government, I was beating the company out of cash
in several different ways. I got greedy and eventually was fired from
here, even though they couldn’t prove anything. I was good with figures
and covered my tracks well.
I met my wife during this period and we
partied a lot, as these were the Haight Asbury and North Beach eras. We
took a lot of drugs of all sorts during this period and did a lot of
drinking. We settled down a bit in a house but continued to have
parties. I went to jail for miscellaneous charges, but did mostly camp
and work furlough time. My first son was born in 1969, which tied my
wife down, but did not slow me down, as I started hanging out in the
bars and pool halls, drinking, gambling and doing drugs.
I went to work for GP in 1971 and became
a supervisor two years later. My bar drinking accelerated, as it became
habit to stop after work daily, and sometimes carry it into the night.
I started using speed and coke on a regular basis, ignoring my
responsibilities and home. My other two sons were born in 1973 and
1976, respectively.
I did many things with my boys and wife
during these years of 1969 to 1980, but I continued to lead my own life
away from the house in my addiction. My job involved many company
functions, which at that time involved a lot the drinking during the
functions, paid for by the company. It seemed OK to me to over indulge,
and that is what I did. I finally lost this job due to my alcoholism in
1979.
I went to work at a chemical plant in
Redwood City, and there was a lot of drug use there. I was using a lot
of coke at this time. I became a maintenance mechanic, and worked there
two years until I was offered a job with B C in Sunnyvale as a general
foreman. I worked there for about 2 years, and did a good job, but had
problems with my boss because of my drinking.
In 1980 my first son, Michael, was killed
by a car hitting him. It was a lot of pain to both my wife and I, and
my wife held his death against me. She told me that it didn't bother
me, and she could not see my pain, as I didn't show much emotion during
these times. This devastation has haunted us for years, as neither one
of us has ever forgotten those times.
After 1980, I started doing a lot of
drinking again, and ended up with multiple DUI's. Instead of doing the
time I had coming, I moved to Oregon for two years with my family.
Things were going all right until I received another DUI there, and did
a year in jail. In the meantime my wife and kids moved back to So.
City. When I got out, I came back to California and had to do more time
in Napa. We ended up splitting up, with me staying in Napa, her in So.
City.
Slowly but surely, we drifted back
together, first her sending my kids, then her coming to Napa herself.
Things were fine again until I started building up drunk driving and
ending up in jail repeatedly. In 1992, I went to prison for the first
time. They gave me the minimum-16 months. I discharged my number in 13
months. In 1996, I was sentenced to again to Prison, 3 years for
another DUI, and while I was in, my wife left me. She divorced me
shortly after I was released in 1997.
Connie and I got back together at the end
of 1998 and stayed together until June of 2000. She asked me to leave
when in her words; "I can't stand for you to drink at all". I left and
lived in my own apartment that I was letting my son stay at. I got in
an argument with Connie in October, got drunk, and she called the police
on me. I was pulled over and taken to jail.
I was in the Napa County Jail for 6
months trying to get myself sent to CRC, as I felt that I not only
needed to, but had to make a change in my life. I had finally realized
that getting sober was something that I could not do by myself. I
needed HELP
My stay at incarceration seemed like a
long one. I spent 6 months in Napa County Jail, 23 days at San Quentin
reception center, 6 weeks at CRC Reception Center in Norco, 3 months in
a transition dorm, and approximately 10 months in The Amends Program at
CRC.
The program consisted of 4 hours of
group, Monday thru Friday. The subjects were on all aspects of
recovery. Outside of the formal program, I attended and completed
programs on Anger Management, Domestic Violence, Parenting, Relapse
Prevention, various seminars on recovery, NA Meetings and AA Meetings.
I completed an eight-month course on Work Skills and Business Management
on the computer in the Literacy Lab. In June of 2001 I started a Bible
Study Program through Prison Ministries, and have continued with it when
I was released into a half way house. I believe it gave me a better
understanding of the way I should live, as compared to the way I have
been living in the past.
Upon release from prison I was sent to
the House of Acts in Vallejo, to make the transition from prison life to
street life. My objective was to get back to work, so that I could
start practicing what I learned in recovery and apply it to the life
that I wanted to lead out here. That meant getting back to work as soon
as possible so that I could start practicing new habits.
They had to include what I needed to do
to coincide with my work life, and to learn to live with them when I
left the House of Acts. I realized that what I was doing there was
repetitive of what I had been doing for that last year and a half, but I
still kept an open mind and my ears open. I realize that recovery is an
ongoing thing that will continue the rest of my life. I will always be
an alcoholic, but, an ALCOHOLIC IN RECOVERY.
I was anxious to enter into the next step
of my recovery so that I could be reunited with my family and start to
live a better life. I thought that I would go back to the job I had
before I was incarcerated, but when I contacted them, they pretended
that they had never heard of me, lol. So much for the indispensable one,
huh? I was 56 years old at the time, and time was an essence for the
rest of my working life. My family and I had been cheated out of a
better life than we had because of my addiction. I planed to move ahead
to that which I felt I was now qualified.
Upon leaving the House of Acts, I
continued to attend AA and NA meetings, staying involved with the
program and got a sponsor. My drug of choice was alcohol, so I believed
the best thing for me to do, was to choose a sponsor from the AA
program, which I did. I had worked the first three steps, but believed
that it would be a continuing process even as I continued in the steps.
My main objective was, and is, TO
STAY CLEAN, ONE DAY AT A TIME!!!!!
Most of the content above was written while I was at the
House of Acts in Vallejo, California and edited Oct. 6, 2007. After
leaving the House of Acts, I moved into a sober living house in Vallejo
and attended the Recovery Connection for about 2 months.
In November of 2002, I moved back to Napa
with my wife and went back to work. I continued to attend AA and NA
meetings, started learning computers and eventually ended up opening up
Milkman’s Sober Living Site on MSN in February of 2004. I continue to
grow and learn, about recovery, computers and this new life, free from
alcohol and drugs.
I’m in the process of designing more
recovery sites, and hopefully will be able to publish in the near
future. In this day and age of computers, more and more people are
online, and hopefully we can point some of the addicts and alcoholics in
the right directions, and give them support and feedback to help them in
recovery.
The members in my group,
the 12 Step Programs and those in the
f2f meetings that I attended, taught me how to care about others and
that, what I couldn’t do alone, I can do with the help of
others. Hopefully we can pass that on.
Thanks for taking the time to read my
story.
THE MILKMAN (MIKE)
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