Step Nine

[MajestyJo]

Step Nine

"Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others."


Good judgment, a careful sense of timing, courage, and prudence--these are the qualities we shall need when we take Step Nine. After we have made the list of people we have harmed, have reflected carefully
upon each instance, and have tried to possess ourselves of the right attitude in which to proceed, we will see that the making of direct amends divides those we should approach into several classes. There will be those who ought to be dealt with just as soon as we become reasonably confident that we can maintain our sobriety. There will be those to whom we can make only partial restitution, lest complete disclosures do them or others more harm than good. There will be other cases where action ought to be deferred, and still others in which by the very nature of the situation we shall never be able to make direct personal contact at all.

Most of us begin making certain kinds of direct amends from the day we join Alcoholics Anonymous. The moment we tell our families that we are really going to try the program, the process has begun. In this area there are seldom any questions of timing or caution. We want to come in the door shouting the good news. After coming from our first meeting, or perhaps after we have finished reading the book "Alcoholics Anonymous," we usually want to sit down with some member of the family and readily admit the damage we have done by our drinking.

Almost always we want to go further and admit other defects that have made us hard to live with. This will be a very different occasion, and in sharp contrast with those hangover mornings when we alternated between reviling ourselves and blaming the family (and everyone else) for our troubles. At this first sitting, it is necessary only that we make a general admission of our defects. It may be unwise at this stage to rehash certain harrowing episodes.

Good judgment will suggest that we ought to take our time. While we may be quite willing to reveal the very worst, we must be sure to remember that we cannot buy our own peace of mind at the expense of others.
Much the same approach will apply at the office or factory. We shall at once think of a few people who know all about our drinking, and who have been most affected by it. But even in these cases, we may need to use a little more discretion than we did with the family. We may not want to say anything for several weeks, or longer. First we will wish to be reasonably certain that we are on the A.A. beam. Then we are ready to go to these people, to tell them what A.A. is, and what we are trying to do. Against this background we can freely admit the damage we have done and make our apologies. We can pay, or promise to pay, whatever obligations, financial or otherwise, we owe. The generous response of most people to such quiet sincerity will often astonish us. Even our severest and most justified critics will frequently meet us more than halfway on the first trial.

This atmosphere of approval and praise is apt to be so exhilarating as to put us off balance by creating an insatiable appetite for more of the same. Or we may be tipped over in the other direction when, in rare cases, we get a cool and skeptical reception. This will tempt us to argue, or to press our point insistently. Or maybe it will tempt us to discouragement and pessimism. But if we have prepared ourselves well in advance, such reactions will not deflect us from our steady and even purpose.

After taking this preliminary trial at making amends, we may enjoy such a
sense of relief that we conclude our task is finished. We will want to rest on our laurels. The temptation to skip the more humiliating and dreaded meetings that still remain may be great. We will often manufacture plausible excuses for dodging these issues entirely. Or we may just procrastinate, telling ourselves the time is not yet, when in reality we have already passed up many a fine chance to right a serious wrong. Let's not talk prudence while practicing evasion.
As soon as we begin to feel confident in our new way of life and have begun, by our behavior and example, to convince those about us that we are indeed changing for the better, it is usually safe to talk in complete frankness with those who have been seriously affected, even those who may be only a little or not at all aware of what we have done to them. The only exceptions we will make will be cases where our disclosure would cause actual harm. These conversations can begin in a casual or natural way. But if no such opportunity presents itself, at some point we will want to summon all our courage, head straight for
the person concerned, and lay our cards on the table. We needn't wallow in excessive remorse before those we have harmed, but amends at this level should always be forthright and generous.

There can only be one consideration which should qualify our desire for a
complete disclosure of the damage we have done. That will arise in the
occasional situation where to make a full revelation would seriously harm the one to whom we are making amends. Or--quite as important--other people. We cannot, for example, unload a detailed account of extramarital adventuring upon the shoulders of our unsuspecting wife or husband. And even in those cases where such a matter must be discussed, let's try to avoid harming third parties, whoever they may be. It does not lighten our burden when we recklessly make the crosses of others heavier.

Many a razor-edged question can arise in other departments of life where this same principle is involved. Suppose, for instance, that we have drunk up a good chunk of our firm's money, whether by "borrowing" or on a heavily padded expense account. Suppose that this may continue to go undetected, if we say nothing. Do we instantly confess our irregularities to the firm, in the practical certainty that we will be fired and become unemployable? Are we going to be so rigidly righteous about making amends that we don't care what happens to the family and home? Or do we first consult those who are to be gravely affected? Do we lay the matter before our sponsor or spiritual adviser, earnestly asking God's help and guidance--meanwhile resolving to do the right thing when it becomes clear, cost what it may? Of course, there is no pat answer which can fit all such dilemmas. But all of them do require a complete willingness to make amends as fast and as far as may be possible in a given set of conditions.

Above all, we should try to be absolutely sure that we are not delaying
because we are afraid. For the readiness to take the full consequences of our past acts, and to take responsibility for the well-being of others at the same time, is the very spirit of Step Nine.

[MajestyJo]

Step Nine: Made direct amends to such people
wherever possible, except when to do so would
injure them or others.
"[W]e usually want to sit down with some member
of the family and readily admit the damage we have
done by our drinking. Almost always we want to go
further and admit other defects that have made us
hard to live with. This will be a very different occasion,
and in sharp contrast with those hangover mornings
when we alternated between reviling ourselves and
blaming the family (and everyone else) for our troubles. . . .
[I]t is necessary only that we make a general admission
of our defects. It may be unwise at this stage to rehash
certain harrowing episodes. . . . [W]e must be sure to
remember that we cannot buy our own peace of mind
at the expense of others."

© 1952, AAWS, Inc.; Printed 2005;
Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, pg. 84

An amend is about change, not about saying I am sorry. Saying sorry didn't cut it for me. I heard the word many times over and it meant nothing because the same words and deeds kept coming back to me. I had to grow in my program and make the changes so that I could go to someone in good conscience and say, "To the best of my ability I will not repeat this mistake." It was important to realize also that the mistakes, errors of omission, wrong decisions, etc. didn't make me a bad person, just a person who needed to change her thinking and her actions into a new way of living through the love and grace of my Higher Power. One of the biggest amends I need to make was to myself, and this had to be followed by a personal amend to my God.

[MajestyJo]

Step Nine

"Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others."


Good judgment, a careful sense of timing, courage, and prudence--these are the qualities we shall need when we take Step Nine. After we have made the list of people we have harmed, have reflected carefully upon each instance, and have tried to possess ourselves of the right attitude in which to proceed, we will see that the making of direct amends divides those we should approach into several classes. There will be those who ought to be dealt with just as soon as we become reasonably confident that we can maintain our sobriety. There will be those to whom we can make only partial restitution, lest complete disclosures do them or others more harm than good. There will be other cases where action ought to be deferred, and still others in which by the very nature of the situation we shall never be able to make direct personal contact at all.

AA 12 & 12

Amends, not saying I'm sorry, but coming to a stage in your life where you say, I will never do it again. It says here we don't make amends until such a time as we feel secure within our sobriety. Amends is not something you make today and go and drink and use tomorrow and do it all over again.

Amends is making resitution for things we have done. We think we have hurt no one but ourselves, yet this disease is far reaching. We have made the list in Step Eight and then as it says here we break it down into three groups.

My family was first. Yet on the whole, it was a surface amends because it took me a while to really see how much I had truly hurt them. A few words didn't make it better. The best amend I could make to anywone was to stay sober.

To be continued...

[MajestyJo]

Almost always we want to go further and admit other defects that have made us hard to live with. This will be a very different occasion, and in sharp contrast with those hangover mornings when we alternated between reviling ourselves and blaming the family (and everyone else) for our troubles. At this first sitting, it is necessary only that we make a general admission of our defects. It may be unwise at this stage to rehash certain harrowing episodes.

AA 12 & 12


What stood out for me was how much I wasn't there for others and yet with all my selfish and self-centered actions, I was not there for myself either. For most of my life, I didn't know how to get my own needs met. I said, "No" when I wanted to say "Yes" and was afraid to speak up for myself. I was a people pleaser, to get what I wanted and yet, had no love for myself and always looking outside of myself for validation. It wasn't just the alcohol which made me feel good, I used people to give me what I could not give myself.

Over the years, when I got honest, I saw a person I didn't recognize. A person I didn't like emerged and as a girl I met in recovery said, "I wouldn't have wanted to be your friend back then." I didn't know how to be my own best friend or a true friend to others.

I seldom had 'hangover' mornings, or so I thought. I always took two 222s with the last drink to eliminated the headache. Yet when I got honest, I could see how my mind wasn't with me, often in the night before or just working at half speed. I was not sharp and with it and slowly but surely I good see how my work and my life deteriorated and was not able to meet my responsibilities.

To be continued...

[MajestyJo]

Good judgment will suggest that we ought to take our time. While we may be quite willing to reveal the very worst, we must be sure to remember that we cannot buy our own peace of mind at the expense of others.

Much the same approach will apply at the office or factory. We shall at once think of a few people who know all about our drinking, and who have been most affected by it. But even in these cases, we may need to use a little more discretion than we did with the family. We may not want to say anything for several weeks, or longer. First we will wish to be reasonably certain that we are on the A.A. beam. Then we are ready to go to these people, to tell them what A.A. is, and what we are trying to do. Against this background we can freely admit the damage we have done and make our apologies. We can pay, or promise to pay, whatever obligations, financial or otherwise, we owe. The generous response of most people to such quiet sincerity will often astonish us. Even our severest and most justified critics will frequently meet us more than halfway on the first trial.

AA 12 & 12

For me the first paragraph says it all. I have no right to make me feel good by hurting others. This for me is the key to the whole steps and making the decision to make the amends a direct one. That also, in my honest opinion, includes myself. I owe myself an amend, and yet I need to give myself some slack and not beat up on myself too much for what has gone before. I can't change it, I can't take it back, it is done, all I can do is to learn to live in today a better me and not make the same mistakes again.

The office and work can really prose a problem. For so many it is about anonymity. Yet when we drink, we break our own anonymity. We may think people don't know. We just don't know or realize that we smelled like a brewery and even though you use the mouthwash, it comes out our pores. As I heard someone say, an alcoholic is the only person who can make vodka smell.

At my bridge club, some people know that I am in recovery others just know that I don't drink. I also know that I don't get a lot of bridge invitations because of it. Some have bridge parties in their home but I am no fun because I don't drink. Who wants to have a party pooper. If I have a problem, they might have one too.

So I play at the club and even go to the party nights occasionally. They have non-alcoholic punch. I watch it being made and always smell it if I don't see it made. I am not the only person there that doesn't drink.

To be continued....

[MajestyJo]

This atmosphere of approval and praise is apt to be so exhilarating as to put us off balance by creating an insatiable appetite for more of the same. Or we may be tipped over in the other direction when, in rare cases, we get a cool and skeptical reception. This will tempt us to argue, or to press our point insistently. Or maybe it will tempt us to discouragement and pessimism. But if we have prepared ourselves well in advance, such reactions will not deflect us from our steady and even purpose

AA 12 & 12

I had problems with accepting praise more so than criticism. I am more apt to be an "Awwww shucks" kind of girl and discount the whole thing. One woman keeps saying you are very courage and very brave every time she sees me. Not sure if she doesn't understand alcoholism or if she qualifies and wants to quit and can't.

This also reminds me that 'amends' are not something that I jump into to make things right. I need to go in prepared, I need to make the changes in me so that they can see the new person trying to not be the same 'b*tch that they knew before. It does no good to go and make an amend and then turn around and act out in my disease several days later.

An amend isn't just about not drinking any more. It is about not being the same person who acted out in her/his disease every time she picked up and went from fun and funny, to not so funny, and downright idiotic.

It doesn't mean that I can make an amend and then turn around and become a screaming shrew and put people down to make me feel better. It doesn't work that way.

An amend isn't a quick fix or a bandaid to make all the hurt go away. It is a true "I'm sorry" that I acted that way and I hope never to act that way again, God willing, one day at a time."

To be continued...

[MajestyJo]

After taking this preliminary trial at making amends, we may enjoy such a sense of relief that we conclude our task is finished. We will want to rest on our laurels. The temptation to skip the more humiliating and dreaded meetings that still remain may be great. We will often manufacture plausible excuses for dodging these issues entirely. Or we may just procrastinate, telling ourselves the time is not yet, when in reality we have already passed up many a fine chance to right a serious wrong. Let's not talk prudence while practicing evasion.

AA 12 & 12

After listening to people share about the Step at meetings, I thought my initial work was done only to find it was just the beginning.

The big difference was my self-honesty. That was a process and as I worked the program, I was able to see my life as it truly was rather than how I had perceived it to be.

I was told it was a disease of perception; and it wasn't until I healed that perception, got honest with the reflection, that I was able to truly see my life for what it was not how I had perceived it to be.

Before it has always been about the people around me. This was the first time I had looked at my relationship to those people.
I had trouble seeing how I had used these people just as much as I had used the alcohol and pills.

The Steps are done in order for a reason. I could make my initial amends and they were good in the telling. It was necessary to go back to the same people again and make a true amend for the things that I had not perceived first time around.

To be continued...

[MajestyJo]

As soon as we begin to feel confident in our new way of life and have begun, by our behavior and example, to convince those about us that we are indeed changing for the better, it is usually safe to talk in complete frankness with those who have been seriously affected, even those who may be only a little or not at all aware of what we have done to them. The only exceptions we will make will be cases where our disclosure would cause actual harm. These conversations can begin in a casual or natural way. But if no such opportunity presents itself, at some point we will want to summon all our courage, head straight for the person concerned, and lay our cards on the table. We needn't wallow in excessive remorse before those we have harmed, but amends at this level should always be forthright and generous.

AA 12 & 12

The first line of the paragraph is the whole key to this Step for me. It is important for me to get to a stage in my recovery where I can walk my talk. It is not an amend if I say the words and don't follow them up with action. An amend isn't about saying "Sorry, I hurt you and made you feel that way." An amend is saying, "I'm sorry I hurt you and made you feel that way and I hope and pray that I will never act that way again."

It was important also, to make sure that my amend did not hurt others or myself. I was part of that amend, I owed one to myself and to my God. I couldn't continue to say "Sorry, sorry, sorry!" It doesn't work. It is about change and forgiveness.

It is about being honest with myself and others. Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the turning point.... For me, it was do or die. Recovery without forgiveness can't happen. Doesn't mean I condone the act or the actions, but I do have to forgive the person or there is no peace and healing.

I had to forgive my first husband for running around when we were married. I had to forgive him for being with another woman the night my son was born. I had to forgive him for moving in with the woman and leaving me homeless because the landlady didn't want a single parent. I had to forgive myself for thinking what's good for the gander is good for the goose. You hurt me so I will hurt you, doesn't work. It just means more hurt.


To be continued...

[MajestyJo]

There can only be one consideration which should qualify our desire for a complete disclosure of the damage we have done. That will arise in the occasional situation where to make a full revelation would seriously harm the one to whom we are making amends. Or--quite as important--other people. We cannot, for example, unload a detailed account of extramarital adventuring upon the shoulders of our unsuspecting wife or husband. And even in those cases where such a matter must be discussed, let's try to avoid harming third parties, whoever they may be. It does not lighten our burden when we recklessly make the crosses of others heavier.

This was an important fact, I couldn't make an amend at the expense of others. It is important to heal and to let go. I did this with a sponsor, by journaling and sharing with others. It was important to not hurt others, people around them, and I had to remember that I was also on that list. I couldn't hurt myself and continue to abuse myself for my past. No one did a bigger number on me than me.

This is where service helped me. I could make indirect amends for the amends that I could not make face to face. My son wouldn't hear me, so I tried to help young people by going into the jail and talking to Young Offenders.

Why indeed, should I hurt someone more by disclosing all the negativity attached to our relationship and rehash things that are best forgotten. None of the "you did this, you did that, so I did this and because you did that, I did...."

To be continued...

[MajestyJo]

Many a razor-edged question can arise in other departments of life where this same principle is involved. Suppose, for instance, that we have drunk up a good chunk of our firm's money, whether by "borrowing" or on a heavily padded expense account. Suppose that this may continue to go undetected, if we say nothing. Do we instantly confess our irregularities to the firm, in the practical certainty that we will be fired and become unemployable? Are we going to be so rigidly righteous about making amends that we don't care what happens to the family and home? Or do we first consult those who are to be gravely affected? Do we lay the matter before our sponsor or spiritual adviser, earnestly asking God's help and guidance--meanwhile resolving to do the right thing when it becomes clear, cost what it may? Of course, there is no pat answer which can fit all such dilemmas. But all of them do require a complete willingness to make amends as fast and as far as may be possible in a given set of conditions.

This is up to each individual I believe. I also feel that when it would be harmful to others to fully disclose everything directly, we can make indirect amends by doing service.

If I don't take it to the person, I sure need to take it my sponsor or my spiritual advisor and to my God and do a 4th & 5th Step on the situation. Again, it is how much am I willing? Am I willing to accept the consequences of my actions if it wouldn't hurt someone else? I also need to figure me into the equation because I am on that list too. I used and abused myself for years, it is right to continue doing so. Should I not be thinking of my self-worth and self-respect and learning to practice self-care.

I can't hurt someone else to make me feel better. That to me is the essence of the program. No longer using and abusing people, places and things.

For me, self-righteousness is just as much a defect of character as the selfish, self-centeredness of my disease, if not more so.

To be continued...

[MajestyJo]

Above all, we should try to be absolutely sure that we are not delaying because we are afraid. For the readiness to take the full consequences of our past acts, and to take responsibility for the well-being of others at the same time, is the very spirit of Step Nine.

AA 12 & 12

The Spirit of Step Nine, for me was to let go of my past, but not at the expense of others. To allow myself to heal, to take responsibility for my actions and become aware of the traits and actions that needed to be worked on in recovery.

Not putting someone down or hurting them to make me feel better. Not doing this step because it says I have to do it, but in the spirit of forgiveness, often for them, but for myself.

It was me acting out in my disease. When i stay clean and sober, I know longer have to be irresponsible, hurtful and harmful to others.

It is a Step that shouldn't be put off and yet, unless we are in the right mind frame, it means nothing, to ourselves or to the other person.

There is no validity to the Step if we continue to act out in our disease instead of recovering from that hopeless state of mnd and body. The problem wasn't the drug of choice, the problem was me.