robemac/aanasavior777

[robemac]

Hi to all,
I'm robemac alcoholic /addict, I was a native Filipino still presently residing here in El Salvador City Western Misamis Oriental Mindanao, Philippines. When I was about 10-11 yrs old. as I started to remember going inside some liqour Bar in Cagayan de Oro City together with my Father for he likes me too be with him as He was singing. I was grown up in Bugo, Cagayan de Oro City. Where the famous Del Monte Philippines Incorporated are located former (Philippine Packing Corporation) I was studying before in Elementary grade in BUgo Central School today, and in the back on it was the Port of the Company Del Monte, there are Bars or Cabaret there back in 70's. I saw a lot of Foreigners there and even my fellow Filipinos at the age of almost twelve it was about to end the class, I saw one guy who throw a cigarette butts and I picked it up w/o thinking what it was all about, I just take a puff and I like the taste much and I did it again and again, and in 1980 w/some of my friend who are drinking and they offer me some alcohol I accepted it, and I also like the taste. I never had a bad feeling as I started.
In my High School I learn to use some dope and Narcotics such as cough Syrup and drink accompanied by a different kinds of Alcohol. I was kicked out in the school and involve a lot of trouble in life together with some of my friends, I transfered in the other school but I was not able to finished their for I'm in trouble again with another students. I quit school for more than 1 year, and later I decide to continue. I still use and drinks after the class and getting in the next day sometimes still got a hangovers. I sometimes be in jail but I was lucky for it just only for safe keeping. In all of my unmanageabilities, I was so lucky that I finish my High School and move to college in 1988,and I started to learn to use depressants such as tranquilizers, I love to have a tranquilizers to hold the effects of the Narcotics not go in higher level effects, I love to stay in the feeling good level and could have that effect about 6hrs., before I follow another points of tranquilizers (Anesthetic). I learn to use Stimulants such as Amphetamine too since 1988, and lastly I was graduated in college besides of all the hardship that I encountered in that kind of Living. I was thinking it was only a part of the living as a Normal Person, for there are a lot of people who does it. I move in Manila to seek for a job. I was lucky that I was accepted after 3 months, I drink and use as it feels that it is normal for the drinker and users, I have already an audiotory hallucinations at that time and was aware already having a bad feeling about it, for I myself know that what's happening to me is not normal anymore. I have that audiotory since 1993 but it was gone after 1 Month, I was thinking that it was only the cause and effects of Alcohol and drugs...I joined on board last July 17, 1993 and I notice today as I checked it, it was also my Sobriety day July 17, I was relax for no alcohol in Jeddah, but I experience a lot of Head ache and Body pain, unusal behavior, everytime I fall asleep a lot of nightmares. and I've been in trouble when we are already only 15 days for protesting. After 1 year as I finished my contract I was offered by my friends for a drinks in Manila and I was so amazed for the feeling that I've got, I really missed Alcohol in that day it feels like I'm the strongest Alcoholic on that day. When I arrived in my hometown, one of my friend offered me some narcotics (cough syrup) and we drink a lot and got some dope, it feels like I'm walking in the clouds in a slow-mo, when the final effects of the drugs I was taking in, i feel it was the greatest day after 1 year of abstinence, and it was the beginning of it all I start to use and drink again. I'm still drinking even on board ship and I'm in trouble with some of my officer, and in the other nationality and I use if there are drugs offered. But I use regularly wherever I am in Manila, and even here in our home where we are living today as my father and mother decided to move here in P.S.B.,El Salvador Misamis Oriental last 1995, I always visiting here before, since in the 80's every summer for vacation in the house of my grandfather (my mother's father) in Barangay Poblacion. I still drink a lot and use even here as long as there are drugs. I failed in the exam, doesn't have a good relation to my GF and some of my neighbors, it feels like all complicated and I was always followed by my shadow (alcohol and drugs) wherever I go. Until I notice that I was not good anymore, it is no longer I who live in my soul. I decided to use full ahead so I use Amphetamine and got some dopes from here and tranquilizers to use it together and got a lot of Alcohol for 3 days having no sleep. I just want to know where really those substance will bring me. WoWWW...there are white ladies dancing right in front of me wearing white dress with an empty face having a shiny long hair,and I was catching animal that I don't know how to name it in English, it looks like small dogs or cat or kangaroo, but he was lucky he leap high up to the sky like 20 meters high as I jump from the top of my tree house about 12 feet high, he landed about 40 meters away from me, when he leap in the second time he was disappeared. I've never seen something like those before. I also heard a lot of voice telling me what to do. like to kill my parents, to wreck the neck of all my nephew and to rape a lot of Women's, they commanded me, as I remember, I'm glad I still got the awareness to call for a help from God at that moment. It was December 2003 and it was about Christmas time, my parents and sister bring me in the Pshycward where I lost my consciousness about 9 days, I didn't remember what happened on me inside 9 days, until today, All I remember is they put me there, and as my consciousness back I ask the watchman name Jimmy what day it was, he told me January 2, 2004, Wowww I got a nice sleep... Now I realize and recognize why there are a lot of cases like that in my Country, raping a child, killings and does something that are so hard to accept in the society, these are things they want me to do (the voices I heard) it is too hard for a man to overcome it all if He missed to call for a help to the Living God, I experience how strong they are, because they want me to kill myself too. There are a lot of cases like these in my country today, and it was still happening today as I'm watching in the daily news in two famous TV network in our Country.
As I discharge from the Psychward last January 15, 2004 I was in Medication and I feel hopeless at that for I myself notice that I am not feeling well, I was in Medication for 3 Months but I notice too that it feels I'm getting high in some medecine that I was taking. I was giving a shot of aquiniton and woowwww., I feel too high, it feels like I'm in the air condition room floating in the middle of the crowded and hot street. I like it too much, but my anxiety level was increasing when the effects of the drugs is slowing down. I decided too quit on medication, it doesn't help me anymore. In April 2004 after more than 2 Months of quitting my medication I feel I was ok, so I decided to go back in Manila to search for job as seaman. I feel comfortable there but I got some difficulties in applying for I was already jobless more than 3 years. Some of my friends inviting me there to use or for a drink for fun. I found myself already there using Amphetamine and later on was drinking inside the Bar, wooowwww it feels like it's been a long time, and the next day I found myself using alone and in one week I heard the voices so loud, I found myself that hard to control of where I wanna be. So I decided to go back home and use a lot w/ mix drugs to see of where really drugs and alcohol will bring me, it was about 3days without a sleep, and I notice that the effect of the drugs is longer slowing down, it stays in the high level, i've done a lot of things which is could not define as a sane one, and my parents talk to me to be in jail for safe keeping while they are searching for some treatment center. I found myself loves to stay in the dark corner of the jail, until the voice I heard told me to commit suicide, I don't want to do it but I feel my soul is been captured by some kind of power that I could not resist, and so I did climb the highest part of the reelings and flattened my body there and do diving towards the floor. I lost my consciousness, I don't know how long, but when I wake up, I was so grateful to my God for giving me another day to live, I feel back pain towards to the center of my brain, it feels it was crack, and I feel also that I'm back in the world without the effect of the drugs and Alcohol. When the daylight comes, I saw my sister and one of my counselor who take me out in jail and bring me into the treatment center, they let me sleep there, when I wake up it was July 17 and they welcome in the morning saying God grant me... I was touch by the word God as I heard it there...and it was my Sobriety day until today of my 6yrs 1month and 11days sober and clean...thanks a lot...May God bless us all always in Recovery.


robemac/aanasavior777
change can make difference

[Milkman Mike]

I can relate to what you said about trying something and then not knowing when to let it go. Thanks for the share.

Mike